People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
My new favorite headline
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!