I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
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Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”