With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
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[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me too
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me