why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
You got this…
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Just ordered me some pizza!
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too