Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family