Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
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Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
that de-escalated quickly
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …