Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
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“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
The glockness monster
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?