Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
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[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food