[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store