A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
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Cats are still liquid.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them