[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
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I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Everything reminds me of my ex
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.