How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
The three genders.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.