Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
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I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Cause of death: Zumba
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?