[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…