I love it all
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White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.