I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
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Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.