I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
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Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Cause of death: Zumba
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.