A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*