[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
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ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe