[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else