Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
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“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”