yall want some gasoline milk
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You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I could NOT have put it better myself.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you