i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
when dads have a rap battle
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
smartest karate player in the world
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Cake safety first. Always.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly