Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
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Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I know karate and tons of other words.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.