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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
this chia pet tastes awful
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!