hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
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When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don鈥檛 believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That鈥檚 my fault. We鈥檒l try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I can鈥檛 stop watching this video 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn鈥檛 say she seems too busty to handle your issues
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah