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crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates