How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
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Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Finally
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
won’t smith
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.