It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
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Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in