[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I’ve had worse
Mountain Goat : )
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
In space, no one can hear…
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow