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*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Message from the dog groomers
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.