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I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
as is their right
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”