I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
britain’s three elite institutions
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete