There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
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[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.