[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.