Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.