BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat