Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
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absolute chaos
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me