Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
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No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
don’t we all
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry