The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
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Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds