He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
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I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…