It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
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Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.