lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Life with a cat in one tweet
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
This a good idea
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price