Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Duck typos.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]