7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.