Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
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If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
That’s easy for you to say
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.