We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
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My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM