“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
You Might Also Like
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
look at me when i’m typing to you
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’