[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
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16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Wednesday
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..