IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
“OMGJK” -atheists
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600